This past week

This past week has been amazing. I've never used that word in this instance, but I can't quite think of another way to put it. It's been, stressful, scary, frustrating, unsettling, and all sorts of other things.

Having my Mom go into the emergency room like that, and watch her go through this experience has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've known for quite a while that my mom was not well, I urged, encouraged and acted downright bossy when it came to finally getting her to this place. I finally put my foot down and told her I was taking her in. I hate having to do that to my Mom, but my sense of mothering kicked in and there was no going back.

I found a few things out about myself this past week.

1.) When I'm stressed, I eat.

2.) When I'm eat, I eat crap, forget to take my meds, feel like crap, and the circle continues.

3.) Being pregnant and under stress can make me a mean, person. (I'm sorry to those nurses I got down right ugly with)

4.) Having a 2-year-old and basically being a single Mom half the year is HARD.

5.) You find out who really is your friend and or family during this kind of stuff.

There were times I wish I could have just put on the boxing gloves and beat the living daylights out of people. Lack of understanding, not caring, and selfishness got me to the end of myself with people, and had there been opportunity, I swear I would have killed them.

Obviously we all know that acting on these gut-reactions wouldn't have done any good. And all my training and know-how told me that reacting wouldn't help me. But I had no other way to deal with this pent up stress, fear or any other emotion that I was feeling at the time. So the only way I knew to deal with it was venting on friends and family and binging.

I felt that everything I was doing, everything, wasn't good enough. I wasn't taking good enough care of my Mom, I was neglecting my daughter, leaving people in a lurch that were watching her or not informing and comforting everyone that was worried or in fear about what was going on. I then had to deal with my own fear of seeing my Mother in this situation.

I won't go into great detail because honestly it's pretty personal and pretty deep in nature. But I will say this, seeing the one woman who has always been my rock, being in that much pain, and not being able to do anything about it, was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. Having to deal with this alone besides all of my other obligations was too much. Like under previous employment, it wasn't good enough. I wasn't doing anything right or to any ones satisfaction.

I almost lost it a few times. Then I realized that I was also on edge for my diet, and the fact that I hadn't taken my meds in about 6 days.

I can't freak out in my car anymore, and yell and scream and get it all out. Well because Kodi is in there. So everything has to be G-rated and I can't talk about anybody because she hears everything. I can't go outside my house and scream because everyone would hear me.

I decided not to go the immature route and post my irritation / fear / frustration on FACEBOOK for everyone to hear, because lets face it, that's just downright irritating and immature. So I stuffed it somewhat, talked to a few friends and family and believe I'm ok now.

I don't know how people do this, it was very difficult for me. And honestly it's hard admitting this because I know people will judge me. I know people will tell me to grow up. But ya know what? We have to go through stuff like this to make us grow, and to help us learn from our mistakes and how to deal with tough stuff. So I'm laying it all out. One day it'll get easier, but for now, we'll just work through it one day at a time.

I want to say thank you to a few people.

Lynn and Phil - Thank you for being there, thank you for talking to my Mom and for posting on her facebook wall, it means the world to me you guys loving on her during this time.

Phyllis - My second Mom. Thank you so much. You also, were a huge source of encouragement to me during this time and my Mother was encouraged with your words.

Amy - You are such a good friend. You have such a great head on your shoulders and don't have a problem telling me to get my head out of my rear. Thank you so much for being there.

Steph - Hon, you mean the world to me. Thank you for letting me vent on you and freak out. Thank you for listening and being there, you mean the world to me hon and are truly a great friend.

Dawn - My other Mom. Thank you for keeping my head on straight, and for keeping my eyes upward. I couldn't have done this without you.

Robin - Sweetie, I love talking with you. Thank you also for letting me rant, thank you for listening and encouraging me and lastly, thank you for being there for Nathan. I appreciate that more than you know. I love ya.

Aaron & Emily - you guys are such a rock for me, thank you for being there, thank you for caring for Kodi and for taking her in as one of your own, I love you.

Nathan - I love you bud, your heart and sensitivity encourages me everyday. I love you.

For everyone else, and there are so many others I love you too. Thank you for being there for me.

So that's the end. The end of my, AAAHHHHH rant. Thanks for listening.

That is all

Ug.

That's my day.

Longing

Sometimes we wake up and there is this longing within our souls. We try to fill it in various ways, none of which work, but we don't fail to at least try.

Food, music, company, blogging,... you get the point.

Today I feel lonely.

I've been praying that Dan would come home so that someone could watch Kodi so that I could do the things that normal people do. Go to the gym at weird hours, go to Barnes and Nobles to just sit by the fire and read, go get coffee and sit and enjoy the quietness.

Well he's home, and him and Kodi are off on a date. I can't think of anything to do. I mean I have things I need to do, but none that I really want to do, least of all by-myself.

I simply can't put my finger on it today. I don't know what is wrong, just that I'm unsettled and frustrated. I think I feel like I'm at a cross-roads but I have absolutely NO idea which way to go.

Sometimes we feel the Lord leading us in a new direction, like going back to school, taking it easy, or just resting. I have to admit, I hate waiting. And I think I hate resting more.

Which sounds ridiculous. Resting is wonderful, if we can actually get to that point.

I think the majority of the problem is that I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I feel like I'm supposed to be resting and waiting on some direction, but DANGIT, I suck at this waiting stuff.

I hate feeling like this, mostly because it's trusting in the unknown that is so scary. I think if I really knew who God was, that He does have my best interest at heart even if I can't see it or understand why things have to happen the way they do. That doesn't mean that he's mad at me, or thinks I'm the abominable failure of the century.

Now just tell my heart that! Because apparently my head knows it, but it doesn't ring true to my heart. So due to this I'm constantly seeking out approval and, "please tell me I'm doing this right!" From people and God.

I'm tired of this.

I want to be free.

"Guess what?" - Kodi

Kodi has started this adorable new thing, I guess in a way you could say she she picked it up from me, but it goes like this...

"Hey Mom, Guess what?" - Kodi

"What?" - Me

Kodi wispering, "I love you Mom..."

It's frankly, super-adorable!

One thing I've always wanted Kodi to know is that no matter what, I love her.

When I was a kid my Dad wasn't too super verbal about his love for me. Most of the time he was tired, or in pain or sometimes just angry. He spent the majority of his time working, and with his back being so messed up he was in pain all the time. I don't remember that much time with my Dad when I was little. Not for his fault, but just because there wasn't that much time.

When it came to verbal affection he wasn't much for that either.

So needless to say I want Kodi to know I love her, so I'm always smothering her with kisses and affirming her. They say you can't love a child too much, let's hope that's true.

:)

"Free" (Official Music Video)

Music Makes the World go Round

I love music. Because of my convictions, there is some music I don't like to listen to. But all music in one way or another has been created with the help of the creator.

I've listened to some Metalica, that I've gone, "WHOA, you can't tell me that God didn't bless those guys with musical talent because I was moved listening to music that wasn't even positive or upbeat in the least!" God is amazing. He may bless someone with a talent, but that doesn't mean that will use it for His glory. But there is no doubt in my mind that God hadn't blessed them with that talent.

I listen to ALL sorts of music. I love some country, rock, even some R&B, classical and the list can go on and on. Music moves my soul.

I keep telling myself, year after year that I am going to pick up my guitar and continue my learning. Or put the keyboard up and play some more. Honestly I feel burnt out. Being so heavily involved in music for so long, it made it quite un-enjoyable. I keep telling myself that I need to really push myself because it is so rewarding.

I will I promise, I will.

Just as soon as I get done with the dishes. *wink*

Fishin

I really have a hankering to go fishin! I know, I sound silly or somewhat, off-my-rocker, but it's been a while and we need to go.

Dan went dip netting before he left for Prudhoe, and the fish were awesome! But I wouldn't say that going back to Chitna (with Kodi) is exactly relaxing. I was kind of hoping that we could go to Homer, or Valdez, or possibly Ninilchick. (not sure if I spelled that one right).

The problem is that Kodi, is such a temperamental sleeper, I kind of wonder how she would do sleeping outside in a tent. So I'm somewhat hesitant to take her camping / fishing. That is why Homer / Valdez, seems so much more doable. We could stay in a hotel, walk around and just have a great time while Dan was on a charter. We could also fish from the shore and still have things to do.

Not sure what we will do this year though. It's been a while since we've done stuff like that, that I think we really need to up and get on out of here. But must get all of our ducks in a row first.

Welp. Who knows, maybe it'll all work out to our advantage.

An open heart

Man it feels good when people listen.

I know this sounds like such a stupid thing to say, "What do you mean, 'when people listen?' People always listen to me...." Well people may listen, but so few of them actually hear what we are saying.

When I was a young girl, I had a group of girls that I used to hang out with on a regular basis. We, of course, had the pack leader who told us what to do, how to dress and who to be. And of course I was not this person. We were typical girls who would gossip, get our feelings hurt and then start all over.

Except for this one day,...

Our "pack leader" called a meeting with all the girls to discuss the recent gossipping that had been going on. The meeting turned out to be a gang-up-on-Jacki day, and I was blamed for all the gossiping and back-biting that had been going on in the group. Mind you, I did my fair share just like any other of the girls. But I was informed that all the drama and discourse was due to myself alone. Everyone agreed with her, everyone except my best friend who, to the day has still stood by my side and never left me. The rest of the girls, turned their backs on me and determined that I was not worthy of being friends with anymore.

Ok. I know this sounds like stupid childhood drama, but this is one event in my mind that has rocked me, even to this day.

I do not make friends with females. I do not trust virtually any girl, fearing that what was lost before will happen again, and I in turn will be to blame for every ones drama. I have no problem making friends with guys. If a guy doesn't like you, he'll tell ya. He won't stab you behind the back and call you a b%^&* and smile to your face.

I know this is a terrible stereotype and not all females are like this, however, my hesitancy in making friends with females stems all the way back to this very day.

I'd been praying lately that God would help me. Heal my old wounds and help me open my heart again so that I could really be friends with some "sisters" that I could trust and that would encourage me in right things. But time and time again, I walk away, am stand-offish or just plain won't talk to people for this very reason. Most of the time people thing of me as being bitchy, but I wouldn't say that was it.

"Love like you've never been hurt." Seriously? This is the dumbest statement out there. How the heck are you supposed to do this? Well with God's help, hopefully I'll get over it.

Three days ago I told God I was lonely. I'm bored, and I need some friends. And in the last 2 days I've had 3 different females approach me with kindness and an outstretching of friendship. I admit it's been hard. It's hard to learn to be a friend again, when for so long you've had to 'go-it-alone'. This is why I never have a hard time going somewhere by myself or taking trips, or anything. I forced myself to be independent, strong, and hard. Some of these attributes are good. But it's really hard to be a good friend to someone when you've hardened your heart against hurt.

For what it's worth, I'm a work in progress. I'd hoped I'd be farther along than I am now, but dangit, I'm trying my best. Sometimes allowing God to work on our hearts takes days, months, sometimes years. Well for now I think it's worth it. Worth it to risk being hurt, worth it to face my fears, even if I'm scared to death.

So here's to an open heart, and learning not to wear our 'heart-on-our-sleeve'.

Thank you Lord, another answered prayer. For as much as it hurts to rip off this band aid, it's been there a while and my wound needs to air out and get completely healed.

My Grandma

I've been thinking a lot about my Grandma lately. She passed away 5 years ago in April.
She was my partner in crime, and the one person who really understood me.
I hate that she is gone. I have to admit. It really makes me angry, because I feel like it wasn't her time and that her death was completely preventable.

My Grandma had colon cancer.

From what I've been told, she didn't go in when she thought she had a problem. She stayed home. I'm not saying I don't respect her faith because I do. With the upmost certainty. But I also know that Doctors can help, especially when it's a preventable disease if caught early enough.

Personally, I feel that after seeing Hayley (my neice who went through Chemo but was still taken from us) go through so much pain and agony, AND have to deal with the Chemo, was too much. I don't really blame her if that is the reason why she choose not to seek the doctor's help, or seek treatment for her cancer. I myself, HATE chemo with every inch of my well being. It kills everything, the cancer yes, but also every other good thing that resides within us. The only thing cancer can't kill, is our spirit and our will to live. That still does not deter my feelings towards the horrible treatment, however.

All of this started because I really wanted to make my Grandma's 7-Layer salad today.

I wasn't quite sure how she made it though...

I didn't have enough time with my Grandma. When I was proactive enough to go out there and hang out with her, it was usually for a short visit because I was so consumed with my own life. This saddens me, knowing I could have had more time with her, had I actually taken the time.

So here I am suffering through this ridiculous recipe, my salad looks like crap, and my two-year-old will not take a nap. I myself, am exhausted and was hoping that she would lay down so I could replenish myself.

But that's not going to happen.

One of those days

Today just had to be one of those days.

I woke up with good intentions, heading out early with Kodi to Creamers Field to hit the trails for a good run.

We pull out of the driveway head around the block, and before we can head behind my house I see cop cars crawling at the townhouse behind us. As I creep by, I look and see the backyard tarped off and a police officer standing guard. The closer I look I see a dead body laying in the back yard. Stiff, white, and very creepy it was the most bothered I had ever been. It took me an hour to calm down. I had to call my cousin (Jordan, 13) in Oklahoma, and listen to some of his tales before I felt ok.

Thank God, Kodi didn't see anything. She already is a bit fearful so I'm hesitant about what she watches and is in contact with. I'm sure if she saw the person laying there, she would have just thought they were taking a nap.

After this, we went to the mall in North Pole, parked our car and walked over to where the parade was going to be. It was a short, sweet parade, but Kodi enjoyed it tremendously. I felt bad not letting her get out of the stroller to play at the park, but by the time we were there I had to walk back to the car to get her home for her nap.

(Intermission)

I know. Sounds pretty hard core, me making her leave a carnival to nap. But I have been having the toughest time getting her to sleep lately. I've toyed with, cutting out her naps but I know darn well she still needs them. So I determined that I was putting her down for a nap WAY to late. (2-3 pm) So I'm starting her naps now around 1pm. Then by the time 8pm rolls around, she's ready to go to bed, even if she has to play for an hour or so.

(Intermission Over) LOL

Anyways,...I did well today with my eating. I even managed a 20 min kickboxing class and some weight lifting while Kodi napped. So by the time dinner was cooked and I ate, I was exhausted. (6pm) I was of course, grumpy with Kodi for the rest of the day. Poor kid. I guess the whole start of the day made me leary and hard to relax in my own home toward the end of the day.

Baby #2

Baby #2, is well on his/her way. We had our first ultra sound about 2 weeks ago, and baby looks healthy and very active. Still to early to determine the sex of the baby, but we have a second ultra sound scheduled for the 2nd of August to determine that fact.

Still thinking it's a,....well shoot...for the longest time I felt it was a boy, but I just don't know anymore.

Dan thinks, of course, that it's another girl because he makes such beautiful girls, and in such abundance. :)

Either way, a healthy baby, and low weight gain pregnancy is what I'm hoping for. ;) All is well.

Demi & Kodi

It's funny seeing these two together.

Kodi definitely loves both of her sisters terribly, but with Demi she is super attached to her. I think a lot of it has to do with the the fact that Dani was away at school for a year and she was used to having Demi at her beckoned call.

Lets just say that if Kodi hurts herself and she has the option of Demi or I, she chooses Demi. I know this should make me feel bad, but I am secure enough in Kodi's love for me that I realize that she just loves her sister that much.

I love watching these two together, two-peas-in-a-pod.

"Thank you Jesus for the flowers..." - Kodi

Kodi has started this thing where she says random stuff that simply amazes me.

In my heart, I've found that it's with the simple words or thoughts of a child that can simply amaze or explain the most complex of things.

Today we were driving on errands and Kodi mumbles in the back seat, "Thank you Jesus I can sit down...". I'm thinking, "huh?" It's sweet she's thanking Jesus for stuff but, "What?" that makes no sense. It suddenly dawned on me...

When I was pregnant with Kodi at 8 weeks, I hurt myself something terribly. I was moving by myself and tried to lift my HUGE t.v. I heard a snap, and a day later I couldn't walk, couldn't move and could only crawl or lay on my stomach. It took me 5 weeks! 5 weeks!!! To be able to sit again, 5 WEEKS! I was in massive pain, with 1 herniated disc, and 1 bulging disc and I couldn't take more than 300 mg of Tylenol every 4-6 hours because I was pregnant. I needed atleast 1000! I was in so much pain, I couldn't barely sit on the potty and it definetly hurt like hell to use the bathroom. (I later found out that the disc I had ruptured was the one that controled bladder and bowel function). There was one point during this time that I literally had to crawl across a public bathroom floor because I couldn't walk, when I had to pee. I couldn't have been more humilitated in my life.

So it was in that moment this morning as I was sitting in my car running errands, I hear those sweet words escape from my daughters mouth and I realize how blessed I am.

Dear Lord, thank you that I can sit. Thank you that I can stand, thank You that I am not in pain. Thank You, thank You, thank You!

Beautiful Life

It has been such a long time since I've updated my blog, I think now is as good a time as any.

Kodi is 2 years old and growing fast. She loves playing outside, and especially loves spending time with her Daddy and sisters. Then we have Tita, Papa Joe, Uncle Aaron, Auntie Emily and all our cousins up here.

She loves to be social!

This has definetatly been the season of change. I more than any other have found that time is seriously going by way too fast. My "baby" is highly vocal, has quite the personality and keeps me busy to say the least.

Dan and I just recently found out we are going to have another baby. I'm due approximately December 14th of this year (2010) and are eager to know the sex of the baby. I am 10 weeks today and will have my first ultra sound around 13 weeks, so luckly Dan will be home. This check is for size and due date verification. And in July we'll find out the sex.