On Wednesday Kodi will be 1-years-old! I simply cannot believe where the time has gone, and as I look back I have found memories, and some that are also somewhat sad.
For some silly reason, at 5 wks old I assumed that I "needed" to go back to work. So I took Kodi to day care and headed back. Leaving her that day, tiny, unaware, and so innocent, made me shutter with guilt.
How could I, after begging for a baby for so long, take her to daycare to spend her days being raised by another so that I could go back to work? I didn't want to go back to work, but thought that I needed to for several reasons that now seem somewhat minuscule.
After taking my latest position for "resume experience" and the "opportunity to better myself", I realized that not everything is worth it! These past 6 months have been unbelievably stressful, and horrible! My job has literally gone to hell in a hand-basket, and it's been determined after taking this position, that I was literally "set up to fail". After 3 months of busting some serious tail, I find out that the person who I was being commanded to work with, was also being told not to work with me! So essentially, they were guaranteeing that I would fail! This makes me so angry!!!!
I have sacrificed time, peace, and self worth during this time and cannot for the life of me, look back and remember why in God's name I would have decided that this job was a good idea! I've since decided to move on, and it's been a difficult decision and also a very easy move. I have yet, 5 more days and I will be free of this job. At this point, I am willing to give up EVERYTHING I had worked for to move on, including less pay, possibly losing my retirement, etc. Luckily, I don't have to lose my retirement so that is good.
The thing that makes me the most angry is the fact that I have missed so much time with my family due to trying to succeed at this job! I look back and realize that there were so many things that I missed with Kodi! I didn't get to see her walk for the first time, and many other milestones that I so desperately wanted to see.
Had I to go back again, I would have quit my job on the spot and stayed home with Kodi had it been okay with Dan. As it stands now, I have told both girls that I am committing one more year to UAF, but after that I will not guarantee the free tuition that benefits from my employment.
I would rather live on a smaller budget, than miss any more time with my baby. I have the rest of my life to work, and I would like to work when she is in school and that is it.
That being said, I am so proud of my little person. She is such a smart, healthy, happy baby. I couldn't have asked for more! She blesses me each day with her smile, and reminds me why life can be so good.
Here's to you, my sweet-sweet, boo-boo! I love you! Have a wonderful birthday, Mommy loves you.
