This past week

This past week has been amazing. I've never used that word in this instance, but I can't quite think of another way to put it. It's been, stressful, scary, frustrating, unsettling, and all sorts of other things.

Having my Mom go into the emergency room like that, and watch her go through this experience has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've known for quite a while that my mom was not well, I urged, encouraged and acted downright bossy when it came to finally getting her to this place. I finally put my foot down and told her I was taking her in. I hate having to do that to my Mom, but my sense of mothering kicked in and there was no going back.

I found a few things out about myself this past week.

1.) When I'm stressed, I eat.

2.) When I'm eat, I eat crap, forget to take my meds, feel like crap, and the circle continues.

3.) Being pregnant and under stress can make me a mean, person. (I'm sorry to those nurses I got down right ugly with)

4.) Having a 2-year-old and basically being a single Mom half the year is HARD.

5.) You find out who really is your friend and or family during this kind of stuff.

There were times I wish I could have just put on the boxing gloves and beat the living daylights out of people. Lack of understanding, not caring, and selfishness got me to the end of myself with people, and had there been opportunity, I swear I would have killed them.

Obviously we all know that acting on these gut-reactions wouldn't have done any good. And all my training and know-how told me that reacting wouldn't help me. But I had no other way to deal with this pent up stress, fear or any other emotion that I was feeling at the time. So the only way I knew to deal with it was venting on friends and family and binging.

I felt that everything I was doing, everything, wasn't good enough. I wasn't taking good enough care of my Mom, I was neglecting my daughter, leaving people in a lurch that were watching her or not informing and comforting everyone that was worried or in fear about what was going on. I then had to deal with my own fear of seeing my Mother in this situation.

I won't go into great detail because honestly it's pretty personal and pretty deep in nature. But I will say this, seeing the one woman who has always been my rock, being in that much pain, and not being able to do anything about it, was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. Having to deal with this alone besides all of my other obligations was too much. Like under previous employment, it wasn't good enough. I wasn't doing anything right or to any ones satisfaction.

I almost lost it a few times. Then I realized that I was also on edge for my diet, and the fact that I hadn't taken my meds in about 6 days.

I can't freak out in my car anymore, and yell and scream and get it all out. Well because Kodi is in there. So everything has to be G-rated and I can't talk about anybody because she hears everything. I can't go outside my house and scream because everyone would hear me.

I decided not to go the immature route and post my irritation / fear / frustration on FACEBOOK for everyone to hear, because lets face it, that's just downright irritating and immature. So I stuffed it somewhat, talked to a few friends and family and believe I'm ok now.

I don't know how people do this, it was very difficult for me. And honestly it's hard admitting this because I know people will judge me. I know people will tell me to grow up. But ya know what? We have to go through stuff like this to make us grow, and to help us learn from our mistakes and how to deal with tough stuff. So I'm laying it all out. One day it'll get easier, but for now, we'll just work through it one day at a time.

I want to say thank you to a few people.

Lynn and Phil - Thank you for being there, thank you for talking to my Mom and for posting on her facebook wall, it means the world to me you guys loving on her during this time.

Phyllis - My second Mom. Thank you so much. You also, were a huge source of encouragement to me during this time and my Mother was encouraged with your words.

Amy - You are such a good friend. You have such a great head on your shoulders and don't have a problem telling me to get my head out of my rear. Thank you so much for being there.

Steph - Hon, you mean the world to me. Thank you for letting me vent on you and freak out. Thank you for listening and being there, you mean the world to me hon and are truly a great friend.

Dawn - My other Mom. Thank you for keeping my head on straight, and for keeping my eyes upward. I couldn't have done this without you.

Robin - Sweetie, I love talking with you. Thank you also for letting me rant, thank you for listening and encouraging me and lastly, thank you for being there for Nathan. I appreciate that more than you know. I love ya.

Aaron & Emily - you guys are such a rock for me, thank you for being there, thank you for caring for Kodi and for taking her in as one of your own, I love you.

Nathan - I love you bud, your heart and sensitivity encourages me everyday. I love you.

For everyone else, and there are so many others I love you too. Thank you for being there for me.

So that's the end. The end of my, AAAHHHHH rant. Thanks for listening.