Longing

Sometimes we wake up and there is this longing within our souls. We try to fill it in various ways, none of which work, but we don't fail to at least try.

Food, music, company, blogging,... you get the point.

Today I feel lonely.

I've been praying that Dan would come home so that someone could watch Kodi so that I could do the things that normal people do. Go to the gym at weird hours, go to Barnes and Nobles to just sit by the fire and read, go get coffee and sit and enjoy the quietness.

Well he's home, and him and Kodi are off on a date. I can't think of anything to do. I mean I have things I need to do, but none that I really want to do, least of all by-myself.

I simply can't put my finger on it today. I don't know what is wrong, just that I'm unsettled and frustrated. I think I feel like I'm at a cross-roads but I have absolutely NO idea which way to go.

Sometimes we feel the Lord leading us in a new direction, like going back to school, taking it easy, or just resting. I have to admit, I hate waiting. And I think I hate resting more.

Which sounds ridiculous. Resting is wonderful, if we can actually get to that point.

I think the majority of the problem is that I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I feel like I'm supposed to be resting and waiting on some direction, but DANGIT, I suck at this waiting stuff.

I hate feeling like this, mostly because it's trusting in the unknown that is so scary. I think if I really knew who God was, that He does have my best interest at heart even if I can't see it or understand why things have to happen the way they do. That doesn't mean that he's mad at me, or thinks I'm the abominable failure of the century.

Now just tell my heart that! Because apparently my head knows it, but it doesn't ring true to my heart. So due to this I'm constantly seeking out approval and, "please tell me I'm doing this right!" From people and God.

I'm tired of this.

I want to be free.