An open heart

Man it feels good when people listen.

I know this sounds like such a stupid thing to say, "What do you mean, 'when people listen?' People always listen to me...." Well people may listen, but so few of them actually hear what we are saying.

When I was a young girl, I had a group of girls that I used to hang out with on a regular basis. We, of course, had the pack leader who told us what to do, how to dress and who to be. And of course I was not this person. We were typical girls who would gossip, get our feelings hurt and then start all over.

Except for this one day,...

Our "pack leader" called a meeting with all the girls to discuss the recent gossipping that had been going on. The meeting turned out to be a gang-up-on-Jacki day, and I was blamed for all the gossiping and back-biting that had been going on in the group. Mind you, I did my fair share just like any other of the girls. But I was informed that all the drama and discourse was due to myself alone. Everyone agreed with her, everyone except my best friend who, to the day has still stood by my side and never left me. The rest of the girls, turned their backs on me and determined that I was not worthy of being friends with anymore.

Ok. I know this sounds like stupid childhood drama, but this is one event in my mind that has rocked me, even to this day.

I do not make friends with females. I do not trust virtually any girl, fearing that what was lost before will happen again, and I in turn will be to blame for every ones drama. I have no problem making friends with guys. If a guy doesn't like you, he'll tell ya. He won't stab you behind the back and call you a b%^&* and smile to your face.

I know this is a terrible stereotype and not all females are like this, however, my hesitancy in making friends with females stems all the way back to this very day.

I'd been praying lately that God would help me. Heal my old wounds and help me open my heart again so that I could really be friends with some "sisters" that I could trust and that would encourage me in right things. But time and time again, I walk away, am stand-offish or just plain won't talk to people for this very reason. Most of the time people thing of me as being bitchy, but I wouldn't say that was it.

"Love like you've never been hurt." Seriously? This is the dumbest statement out there. How the heck are you supposed to do this? Well with God's help, hopefully I'll get over it.

Three days ago I told God I was lonely. I'm bored, and I need some friends. And in the last 2 days I've had 3 different females approach me with kindness and an outstretching of friendship. I admit it's been hard. It's hard to learn to be a friend again, when for so long you've had to 'go-it-alone'. This is why I never have a hard time going somewhere by myself or taking trips, or anything. I forced myself to be independent, strong, and hard. Some of these attributes are good. But it's really hard to be a good friend to someone when you've hardened your heart against hurt.

For what it's worth, I'm a work in progress. I'd hoped I'd be farther along than I am now, but dangit, I'm trying my best. Sometimes allowing God to work on our hearts takes days, months, sometimes years. Well for now I think it's worth it. Worth it to risk being hurt, worth it to face my fears, even if I'm scared to death.

So here's to an open heart, and learning not to wear our 'heart-on-our-sleeve'.

Thank you Lord, another answered prayer. For as much as it hurts to rip off this band aid, it's been there a while and my wound needs to air out and get completely healed.