Count-down!

okay so it's official...

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and I have 2 months to go until due date, technically 6 weeks to go until "full term".

It's like when I was training for a race, I'd set myself up and start counting the laps out. Depending on how much distance I had to run I would either count up or count down. Normally I'd count down, at least when I was on the home stretch. Have to admit it's a heck of a lot easier motivating your self to "finish" when you only have ____ laps to go or _____ miles to go. Instead of counting "up".

So I'm officially counting down....

Here's some pictures for those of you that haven't seen any progress from me.

I finally cannot hide the fact that I'm pregnant, it's totally obvious even under my massive winter coat. So "oh well" here's to the big life, I've only got 2 more months and then I can run and do all sorts of things I can't now.

Popular Opinion

So God, why is it that you have one “Standard” but yet even your believers cannot agree?

Why must I get the "I'm a good person" speech, which is absurd considering every man in his own eyes is going "good". What is good exactly? Where is the standard, what is the "bar"?

I have gotten to the point that I have so many friends that I talk with (acquaintances mainly) that I forget who believes the same as me and who doesn't.

So why is it then that even those who claim to love you argue and bicker over essential things that pertain to faith and holiness?? Why is it that I don’t even like to fellowship with people cause I hate arguing and telling people that their view is skewed and their thinking flawed?

1.) Why do I feel like I can’t go to church and find a soul to share my struggles with because inevitably it always comes back to bite me in the ass? What I mean is this, it never fails to amaze me that even though we are “called to have a mentor to express our sins to” I’ve had such horrible luck that I typically get my “sins” are gossiped all over the church or spread around amongst small groups?? I feel as though I would much rather stuff everything that has ever bothered me inside, WAY inside, than to share it with someone, because history has proven that they will blab about it and are not trust worthy?

Is this just a flaw that the church has? Is this just because we deal with people who sin? Is it too much to ask for a friend that will keep confidences that will stand by me no matter what I say, pray with me and help me back up when I fall under that temptation again? Is it simply selfish pride that holds me from drawing closer to you??

2.) Why is it then that when I find people that I know I can trust and try to talk to them, they are too busy or don’t seem to care? Aren’t we called to love? Aren’t we called to serve? I feel as though I need to be clean and conquer this stuff prior to “ministering” ‘but it never fails, I’m always struggling with something! Typically I then walk away or “lie” about how I’m doing because it’s apparent they could really care less.

Do I simply rely on you for everything? Or do I really need someone to stand with me through stuff that I struggle with? I think this goes back to the old faithful “Why do I need to go to church, I’ve been hurt by people at church and I’m just going to have church right here at my house!” theory. Well God’s word does say that we “ought not to forsake the gathering together of believers…” could it be that God meant what he said for a reason!?

There is no sarcasm in my tone, with these questions. I’m seriously asking because I’m not sure.
Am I a prude!? What is the matter with me? Why is it when I talk to people about this that they look at me like I’m crazy, like I have no justification, and am arrogant to think that I am “right” in this matter? Or then I get the “We need to learn to pick our battles!” speech from people. Is it too much to ask that I would like peace and not discourse in my own home, my own dwelling?? In my quest to “grow up”, I feel more out of control with my current life than I think I did when I was living under my parents household.

Why is it that I am questioning everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING that is within me? Did I do this right? Will I screw up my kids? Will they be little “prudes” living in a glass box for all to see, never getting out until it’s too late and they are faced with all the temptations of life going, “what the heck do I do now???”

Everything within me is being shaken. I don’t want to be religious, I want to love and extend mercy, and I want to extend forgiveness and not judgement, but at the same time I want to stand for what is right, what is right and holy! These are all the things I want flowing in my life, but I don’t understand how to get them or what to do to bring them about.

I feel lost, kind of like that one time when I couldn’t find my parents at the fair and I freaked out! I didn’t know what to do….

God what have I gotten myself into? Why am I so confused and shaken in my faith?

Why do I even worry about what people think?? I want to be over this SO badly I could pull my hair out!!!

Why do I care about popular opinion, even if it’s my own?

Uncertainty

Why is it that life is always filled with uncertainty?

We're not sure why we're here, and we're not sure if there's a purpose.

My heart hurts today. Someone had some pretty hateful things to say about me, and it makes it even worse that it's someone I care about a lot.

I really hate the whole, well I'll just give you a hug then, and everything will be fine afterwards right? Not really. You said some pretty hurtful things and you at least need to apologize for them. That's a start.

Do I think it will happen? Probably not. I'm lacking in faith right now. I'm suppose to be "extending mercy" but I'm having a hard enough time not being infuriated with this person for doing something so hateful. Guess it was my fault cause if i hadn't been "snooping" in their personal effects I would have never known that they had said it about me. BUT at the same time I figure if your willing to talk to your friends about me then you must really feel this way about me! I don't talk about you this way, why can't you respect me enough not to do the same?

I hate this double standard crap. It's frustrating and hurtful.

This wacky-crazy, thing we call life

It's simply amazing to me how each day brings something new to us. How everyday we learn new things about our selves and grow up a bit more. It amazes me more that I still have all the hair on my head and not all of them are gray yet!

The past few years I have been very nervous or almost petrified of growing older. It was almost like I felt like my teen-age (fun) years had passes by and yet I "hadn't even gotten to do anything fun yet!!" I kept hearing all these grown-ups around me talking about how much they loved their 20's and then 30's and even their 40's were "awesome".

I've decided that I'm going to enjoy my life, no matter what it brings!

I have an awesome family, 2 hilarious step daughters, a loving and patient husband, 2 amazing parents, 2 awesome brothers, an AWESOME sister-in-law, nieces, nephews, and the list goes on and on. I am so blessed, so touched to be able to have the opportunity to have my family near me! So honored that they would allow me a part in their lives and to make history.

I look back on on the "difficulties" that I'd complain about on a daily basis and how horrible the drama was in my life. But as Pastor Jeff was talking about today, it's amazing to see the character that God was able to build in my life during all of those fights, and struggles. I see myself as so much stronger of a person, more patient (working on this one daily, *sigh*) more respectful, hopeful, and loving. I see my step daughters growing up, taking baby steps and maturing into responsible adults, and it makes my heart glad.

I used to think, God, did I do the right thing? Was I cut out for this, I CAN'T do this!!! And to watch him change my heart, grow me up and do big things in my family. I look back and say, I would SO do this all over again. I would marry this man again, fight, bicker, grow, love, share memories, EVERYTHING. I would do it all again. Just because it is SO worth it. I think that it could have turned out so not like this, it could have turned out horrible!!

But we don't serve a God, that would give us a 'stone' for a 'fish', He's not a God to turn and leave us when we need Him most. I can't believe its taken me this long to figure out, I'm way to stubborn sometimes!! But He is good, and HE is patient! Thanks God! Look where we'd all be if he got bored, or impatient and left us along-side the road one of these days?! We'd be sunk.

My husband is coming home tomorrow. I am so excited! I haven't seen him for 3 weeks!!! And it feels like a lifetime! I pray that his time home will be well spent, that he'll get to enjoy the time with his girls, hang out with friends, do things that makes his heart happy. He is worth so much to me, I don't even think he realizes that! And even when I try to explain, he gets confused and says, "well why didn't you just say that you loved me, you don't have to write a book?!"

Well I guess that is what my blog is for, writing my "books".

Life is good, GOD IS GOOD!

...All things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purposes!....

4am

Okay, well last night as I was getting ready for bed I'm like,

"Wow, I'm SO tired, I'm glad it's Christmas break from work! I'm gonna sleep in till like 10am or so!!"

Went to bed.

Woke up at 430am STARVING. I'm laying there going, you've got to be kidding me? I've been sleeping for 5 hours and I'm this hungry? I'm going back to bed....

Nope, not happening. So I'm not sure what the deal was. Maybe it was because I went to the gym and exercised for a bit yesterday (15 minutes of aerobics! Come on!!) Oh well. I texted Dan to see what he's doing and I get a....

"I'm feeling up the VAC truck." This of course makes me laugh. I'm all about misspelling and texting. Especially when it's 430am and I should be sleeping.

Phone is finally dieing. It's about time, you know these new phones never work properly unless you let them die completely the first time after you get it. So now I'm subject to the obnoxious *beeping* it's forced upon me as I sit here wondering if I can go back to bed yet.

Hmmmm.

Think I'll hit the floss and then make my way to bed. Ta-ta, blogging world.

Jordan with a "G"?

Okay, so since Dan and I assume that we are having a girl (80% chance) we have been running around with different girl names to see which ones we like the best.

First we liked, "Jayden", but after the ultra sound I decided I didn't really think she looked like a Jayden so I changed my mind.

Next we moved to "Jordan", not to feminine yet still cute at the same time. I loved the name and was trying to figure out what kind of a name we could use for her middle name. So one day I called Demi to see what she thought. The last time I had spoken with her, she had come up with a beautiful name that I loved but for some reason i could not remember it for the life of me. Here's how the conversation went...

"Hey Demi, your Dad and I are having a problems coming up with names and you came up with some great ones the other day, so I thought you could help."

She says, "Oh ok, what is the first name you like?"

"Jordan"

"Oh cool! How are you going to spell "Jordan"??"

So I'm thinking, well Jordan with an "a" is feminine or with a "y" is also feminine....then Demi says to me...interrupting my thought pattern...

"I think you should name her "Jordan" with a "G"..... long pause.....

I'm thinking, 'um is she joking??' NOPE, not joking, dead serious.

Then I said, "Um Demi..."Jordan with a "G" spells 'Gordan'....."

"No it doesn't! You know, like "Jorge" with a 'J'....???!!!"

"I said, well that's technically pronounced...." (I can't spell that phonetically.....he he he...you all know what I'm 'trying to say.

And Demi goes, "Oh." "I guess your right."

So apparently the favorite is a little girl named, "Gordan", I mean we'll give it some thought but um....I'm thinking....

no.

Dani

I had to write this one as well...

This will be my third blog for the day but it is well worth writing.

I have this step daughter, her name is Dani. I went to a presentation that she did the other day and it was AMAZING. I thought over and over again if I should go, I didn't want to embarrass her, but I really wanted to be there because it was a big final and she was really nervous about how she was going to do.

The presentation was in her Government class and she would read a speech in front of Legislators, borough assembly members, faculty, even past Government students. After the speech they would have an in-prompt round of questions that the students would have to answer to the best of their abilities.

Now you have to know Dani. She likes to be prepared for stuff, so when the question time came around I could tell she was pretty nervous about what she was going to say. Her speech went so smoothly, she spoke with confidence and even projected her voice so that even I could hear her from way back in the auditorium. Once the questions started, her confidence did not waiver.

She was embarrassed a time or two as she seemed a bit flustered by her answer. But she did AMAZINGLY! I cannot express with words how proud I was of her at that moment!!! She managed to answer questions, with diplomacy and tact, confidence and even let her personality show as she answered each question.

Once the team was done presenting, the judges began their assessments. The main judge was simply amazed at how well and how eloquent the group was. And how smoothly they were able to work with each other, even disagree on points with each other but yet still make the presentation smooth.

I was so proud of her in that moment, I wished her Dad could have been there with me. He would have loved it! After she was done presenting I went to see her, with relief in her teary eyes I gave her a huge hug and complimented her on how impressed I was with her and her presentation. It was such an exciting moment as a step mom, my heart beat so proudly and I boasted about her and her presentation the rest of the day, to anyone that would listen! Lord knows I talked to any one who would listen! :)

Life is good. I love being a step mom, I am so proud.

The kids are growing up, and I'm so proud of them.


ahhhh. *sigh*

One more day and Dani is totally done with high school, I can hardly believe it. Seems like just yesterday I was kicking her in the head for laying in the middle of the floor in the dark.

Ha ha! ;)