On Wednesday Kodi will be 1-years-old! I simply cannot believe where the time has gone, and as I look back I have found memories, and some that are also somewhat sad.
For some silly reason, at 5 wks old I assumed that I "needed" to go back to work. So I took Kodi to day care and headed back. Leaving her that day, tiny, unaware, and so innocent, made me shutter with guilt.
How could I, after begging for a baby for so long, take her to daycare to spend her days being raised by another so that I could go back to work? I didn't want to go back to work, but thought that I needed to for several reasons that now seem somewhat minuscule.
After taking my latest position for "resume experience" and the "opportunity to better myself", I realized that not everything is worth it! These past 6 months have been unbelievably stressful, and horrible! My job has literally gone to hell in a hand-basket, and it's been determined after taking this position, that I was literally "set up to fail". After 3 months of busting some serious tail, I find out that the person who I was being commanded to work with, was also being told not to work with me! So essentially, they were guaranteeing that I would fail! This makes me so angry!!!!
I have sacrificed time, peace, and self worth during this time and cannot for the life of me, look back and remember why in God's name I would have decided that this job was a good idea! I've since decided to move on, and it's been a difficult decision and also a very easy move. I have yet, 5 more days and I will be free of this job. At this point, I am willing to give up EVERYTHING I had worked for to move on, including less pay, possibly losing my retirement, etc. Luckily, I don't have to lose my retirement so that is good.
The thing that makes me the most angry is the fact that I have missed so much time with my family due to trying to succeed at this job! I look back and realize that there were so many things that I missed with Kodi! I didn't get to see her walk for the first time, and many other milestones that I so desperately wanted to see.
Had I to go back again, I would have quit my job on the spot and stayed home with Kodi had it been okay with Dan. As it stands now, I have told both girls that I am committing one more year to UAF, but after that I will not guarantee the free tuition that benefits from my employment.
I would rather live on a smaller budget, than miss any more time with my baby. I have the rest of my life to work, and I would like to work when she is in school and that is it.
That being said, I am so proud of my little person. She is such a smart, healthy, happy baby. I couldn't have asked for more! She blesses me each day with her smile, and reminds me why life can be so good.
Here's to you, my sweet-sweet, boo-boo! I love you! Have a wonderful birthday, Mommy loves you.
2 comments:
And you my dear girl are a blessing to that sweet little one also!
Awesome news, Jacki. Some things just can't be improved upon by any other choice than you've made here. You go girlie!
Thanks. Now is the "housing issue", I just need to "rest" and know that God will take care of everything. But at this point, the only thing we can afford on one income (because the housing market is still so high) are all pretty crappy run-down houses. So at this point we are looking at building depending on how much it will cost us.
Thanks for checking up on me. :)
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