This past week

This past week has been amazing. I've never used that word in this instance, but I can't quite think of another way to put it. It's been, stressful, scary, frustrating, unsettling, and all sorts of other things.

Having my Mom go into the emergency room like that, and watch her go through this experience has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've known for quite a while that my mom was not well, I urged, encouraged and acted downright bossy when it came to finally getting her to this place. I finally put my foot down and told her I was taking her in. I hate having to do that to my Mom, but my sense of mothering kicked in and there was no going back.

I found a few things out about myself this past week.

1.) When I'm stressed, I eat.

2.) When I'm eat, I eat crap, forget to take my meds, feel like crap, and the circle continues.

3.) Being pregnant and under stress can make me a mean, person. (I'm sorry to those nurses I got down right ugly with)

4.) Having a 2-year-old and basically being a single Mom half the year is HARD.

5.) You find out who really is your friend and or family during this kind of stuff.

There were times I wish I could have just put on the boxing gloves and beat the living daylights out of people. Lack of understanding, not caring, and selfishness got me to the end of myself with people, and had there been opportunity, I swear I would have killed them.

Obviously we all know that acting on these gut-reactions wouldn't have done any good. And all my training and know-how told me that reacting wouldn't help me. But I had no other way to deal with this pent up stress, fear or any other emotion that I was feeling at the time. So the only way I knew to deal with it was venting on friends and family and binging.

I felt that everything I was doing, everything, wasn't good enough. I wasn't taking good enough care of my Mom, I was neglecting my daughter, leaving people in a lurch that were watching her or not informing and comforting everyone that was worried or in fear about what was going on. I then had to deal with my own fear of seeing my Mother in this situation.

I won't go into great detail because honestly it's pretty personal and pretty deep in nature. But I will say this, seeing the one woman who has always been my rock, being in that much pain, and not being able to do anything about it, was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. Having to deal with this alone besides all of my other obligations was too much. Like under previous employment, it wasn't good enough. I wasn't doing anything right or to any ones satisfaction.

I almost lost it a few times. Then I realized that I was also on edge for my diet, and the fact that I hadn't taken my meds in about 6 days.

I can't freak out in my car anymore, and yell and scream and get it all out. Well because Kodi is in there. So everything has to be G-rated and I can't talk about anybody because she hears everything. I can't go outside my house and scream because everyone would hear me.

I decided not to go the immature route and post my irritation / fear / frustration on FACEBOOK for everyone to hear, because lets face it, that's just downright irritating and immature. So I stuffed it somewhat, talked to a few friends and family and believe I'm ok now.

I don't know how people do this, it was very difficult for me. And honestly it's hard admitting this because I know people will judge me. I know people will tell me to grow up. But ya know what? We have to go through stuff like this to make us grow, and to help us learn from our mistakes and how to deal with tough stuff. So I'm laying it all out. One day it'll get easier, but for now, we'll just work through it one day at a time.

I want to say thank you to a few people.

Lynn and Phil - Thank you for being there, thank you for talking to my Mom and for posting on her facebook wall, it means the world to me you guys loving on her during this time.

Phyllis - My second Mom. Thank you so much. You also, were a huge source of encouragement to me during this time and my Mother was encouraged with your words.

Amy - You are such a good friend. You have such a great head on your shoulders and don't have a problem telling me to get my head out of my rear. Thank you so much for being there.

Steph - Hon, you mean the world to me. Thank you for letting me vent on you and freak out. Thank you for listening and being there, you mean the world to me hon and are truly a great friend.

Dawn - My other Mom. Thank you for keeping my head on straight, and for keeping my eyes upward. I couldn't have done this without you.

Robin - Sweetie, I love talking with you. Thank you also for letting me rant, thank you for listening and encouraging me and lastly, thank you for being there for Nathan. I appreciate that more than you know. I love ya.

Aaron & Emily - you guys are such a rock for me, thank you for being there, thank you for caring for Kodi and for taking her in as one of your own, I love you.

Nathan - I love you bud, your heart and sensitivity encourages me everyday. I love you.

For everyone else, and there are so many others I love you too. Thank you for being there for me.

So that's the end. The end of my, AAAHHHHH rant. Thanks for listening.

That is all

Ug.

That's my day.

Longing

Sometimes we wake up and there is this longing within our souls. We try to fill it in various ways, none of which work, but we don't fail to at least try.

Food, music, company, blogging,... you get the point.

Today I feel lonely.

I've been praying that Dan would come home so that someone could watch Kodi so that I could do the things that normal people do. Go to the gym at weird hours, go to Barnes and Nobles to just sit by the fire and read, go get coffee and sit and enjoy the quietness.

Well he's home, and him and Kodi are off on a date. I can't think of anything to do. I mean I have things I need to do, but none that I really want to do, least of all by-myself.

I simply can't put my finger on it today. I don't know what is wrong, just that I'm unsettled and frustrated. I think I feel like I'm at a cross-roads but I have absolutely NO idea which way to go.

Sometimes we feel the Lord leading us in a new direction, like going back to school, taking it easy, or just resting. I have to admit, I hate waiting. And I think I hate resting more.

Which sounds ridiculous. Resting is wonderful, if we can actually get to that point.

I think the majority of the problem is that I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I feel like I'm supposed to be resting and waiting on some direction, but DANGIT, I suck at this waiting stuff.

I hate feeling like this, mostly because it's trusting in the unknown that is so scary. I think if I really knew who God was, that He does have my best interest at heart even if I can't see it or understand why things have to happen the way they do. That doesn't mean that he's mad at me, or thinks I'm the abominable failure of the century.

Now just tell my heart that! Because apparently my head knows it, but it doesn't ring true to my heart. So due to this I'm constantly seeking out approval and, "please tell me I'm doing this right!" From people and God.

I'm tired of this.

I want to be free.

"Guess what?" - Kodi

Kodi has started this adorable new thing, I guess in a way you could say she she picked it up from me, but it goes like this...

"Hey Mom, Guess what?" - Kodi

"What?" - Me

Kodi wispering, "I love you Mom..."

It's frankly, super-adorable!

One thing I've always wanted Kodi to know is that no matter what, I love her.

When I was a kid my Dad wasn't too super verbal about his love for me. Most of the time he was tired, or in pain or sometimes just angry. He spent the majority of his time working, and with his back being so messed up he was in pain all the time. I don't remember that much time with my Dad when I was little. Not for his fault, but just because there wasn't that much time.

When it came to verbal affection he wasn't much for that either.

So needless to say I want Kodi to know I love her, so I'm always smothering her with kisses and affirming her. They say you can't love a child too much, let's hope that's true.

:)

"Free" (Official Music Video)

Music Makes the World go Round

I love music. Because of my convictions, there is some music I don't like to listen to. But all music in one way or another has been created with the help of the creator.

I've listened to some Metalica, that I've gone, "WHOA, you can't tell me that God didn't bless those guys with musical talent because I was moved listening to music that wasn't even positive or upbeat in the least!" God is amazing. He may bless someone with a talent, but that doesn't mean that will use it for His glory. But there is no doubt in my mind that God hadn't blessed them with that talent.

I listen to ALL sorts of music. I love some country, rock, even some R&B, classical and the list can go on and on. Music moves my soul.

I keep telling myself, year after year that I am going to pick up my guitar and continue my learning. Or put the keyboard up and play some more. Honestly I feel burnt out. Being so heavily involved in music for so long, it made it quite un-enjoyable. I keep telling myself that I need to really push myself because it is so rewarding.

I will I promise, I will.

Just as soon as I get done with the dishes. *wink*

Fishin

I really have a hankering to go fishin! I know, I sound silly or somewhat, off-my-rocker, but it's been a while and we need to go.

Dan went dip netting before he left for Prudhoe, and the fish were awesome! But I wouldn't say that going back to Chitna (with Kodi) is exactly relaxing. I was kind of hoping that we could go to Homer, or Valdez, or possibly Ninilchick. (not sure if I spelled that one right).

The problem is that Kodi, is such a temperamental sleeper, I kind of wonder how she would do sleeping outside in a tent. So I'm somewhat hesitant to take her camping / fishing. That is why Homer / Valdez, seems so much more doable. We could stay in a hotel, walk around and just have a great time while Dan was on a charter. We could also fish from the shore and still have things to do.

Not sure what we will do this year though. It's been a while since we've done stuff like that, that I think we really need to up and get on out of here. But must get all of our ducks in a row first.

Welp. Who knows, maybe it'll all work out to our advantage.